where i know covid from

i know covid from my partner’s panic attacks

she had been better for a while and off her medication but during the pandemic she 

began to struggle with anxiety again like so many of us

i felt responsible for taking care of her because our friends and family are back home and 

i was the one who pushed us to move to new york

i was anxious and afraid most of the time too

how can i help my partner when i’m also falling into pieces

i felt i had to somehow “keep it together” 

which in my life usually means abusing some substance

i couldn’t share how much i was struggling

and how much i wanted and needed to be taken care of

my partner made plenty of space for me to do so, or did the best she could

i have a hard time letting others know when i’m breaking down

including myself

 

where i know covid from

 

i know covid from being afraid my father was gonna get ill and die because his lungs are 

fucked from decades of smoking and because he’s almost 70 and i wasn’t gonna 

get a chance to hug him and comfort him before he died

on january 12, 2022, i called him early in the morning and he didn’t pick up

an hour later i got a text from my brother saying “dad was hospitalized” 

my fear came true

my brother and i got to stay near my father the whole time during the twelve days it took 

him to get better and leave the hospital 

we got to comfort each other and help take care of our father

one day when we were still in the hospital and my father was starting to feel better he said 

he didn’t know what would have happened to him if my brother and i hadn’t been with him 

in the icu everyday

i don’t know what would have happened to us either

 

 

to my wife

 

these were the first masks we had

you made them with fabric from an old t-shirt

and some hair rubber bands

it took you hours to make these masks

you worked as if our lives depended on them

in a way they did

these masks got us through those first couple of months

when all we heard were the ambulance sirens

on nostrand and atlantic

the love you put into these masks 

is the same love that has kept us going

thank you

i love you