where i know covid from

i know covid from my partner’s panic attacks

she had been better for a while and off her medication but during the pandemic she 

began to struggle with anxiety again like so many of us

i felt responsible for taking care of her because our friends and family are back home and 

i was the one who pushed us to move to new york

i was anxious and afraid most of the time too

how can i help my partner when i’m also falling into pieces

i felt i had to somehow “keep it together” 

which in my life usually means abusing some substance

i couldn’t share how much i was struggling

and how much i wanted and needed to be taken care of

my partner made plenty of space for me to do so, or did the best she could

i have a hard time letting others know when i’m breaking down

including myself